The Ability to Bounce Back
All of us experience major disruptions at certain points in our lives. In fact, this is an expected and predictable hallmark of the human condition. For some, these hard times come frequently – the impact of the trauma is overwhelming and recovery, if it comes at all, can be painfully slow. Others show resilience and are able to glide through these times fairly easily, bouncing back to a normal life again quickly. Resilience – the strength required to adapt to change – lives at the heart of mental and emotional health.
Research studies in recent years have focused on the struggles faced by those who have been emotionally, sexually and physically abused as children. They share in common many of the characteristics of those who have endured traumas later in life, such as war, the loss of a loved one, natural disasters, financial catastrophes, or a major illness. What has been most interesting in these early studies is the finding that some traumatized people – both those with childhood abuse and other challenges as well as those who experienced life disruptions in adulthood – suffer virtually no ill effects from the trauma. In fact, in many cases they seem to have grown stronger and led more integrated lives. This unexpected finding has guided researchers to explore the nature of resilience.
Frederick Flach, M.D. has suggested that we all have the capacity to reorganize our lives after a disruption and to achieve new levels of order and meaningfulness if we know how to activate our resilience. Failure to pass successfully through any cycle of chaos and stress will leave us crippled with regard to future life disruptions.
Sometimes our lack of closure on previous life experience blocks us from adapting to new periods of stress as they come along. A woman, abused emotionally by her father in childhood, for example, may have great difficulty in accepting his death if she still carries unresolved conflicts surrounding the early abuse. By working with a psychologist or therapist, she may be able to achieve some closure on the abuse from her childhood and this would open the way for her to accept his death more readily – that is, with resilience. Similarly, a man who was exposed to physical violence in childhood may find it difficult because of his unresolved issues with anger and victimization to accept a national trauma such as a terrorist act. He may continue to dwell on issues of anger and injustice for months after the event to the detriment of his job and family life. Work with a therapist can be the route for this person to gain closure on his unresolved issues and to work toward a more integrated approach regarding acts of violence in the future.
Developing resilience depends on many factors in addition to achieving closure on previous life experiences. Those who are resilient have many of the following characteristics:
Interpreting Experiences in a New Light Sometimes we look at situations in a way that keep us stuck in a negative thinking pattern. Those who are resilient have the ability to look at the situation in a new way (this is called reframing) that can minimize the impact of the trauma in their thought process. One benefit of working with a psychologist during a life disruption is that new and more objective definitions of the traumatic situation can be developed and this opens the way to handle the crisis more successfully. Resilient people take a creative approach toward solving a problem, reinterpreting old definitions in a new way.
A Meaningful System of Support One of the best ways to endure a crisis is to have the support of another person who can listen and validate our feelings. Knowing that others care and will come to our support lessens the feeling of isolation, especially when tackling the problem alone. It is important to be selective in choosing people to trust and no one person can be expected to be the perfect means of support. Often it takes several friends each of whom can provide different kinds of support. Resilient people are proficient in making friends and keeping them. They have the judgment to know who their friends should be – as well as the ability to give and take in their interactions with others.
A Sense of Mastery and Control Over One’s Destiny Resilient people seem to have a feeling of independence and a sense of their own life in perspective. They do not feel that they are at the mercy of forces that aim to crush them. When they see a problem, they tackle it – because ultimately they know that their survival and the integrity of their life values depend on it. They have a sense of personal responsibility and the self-discipline it takes to accomplish their goals. While they have a sense of their own independence, they also have the freedom to depend on others, setting appropriate limits on their dependency.
A Positive Self-Image and Self-Respect People who show resilience generally have been treated with appreciation, care and love from early childhood on. They have learned to see themselves in a positive light and to see themselves as people who deserve to be treated with respect by others. When a life disruption creates an assault to their self-image, they are able to restore their feelings of self-esteem quickly. Without a positive sense of self, some people find themselves stuck in a crisis, often secretly feeling that they deserve the negative experience, which has transpired in their lives. Fortunately, positive self-esteem can be learned in therapy.
Self-Reflection and Insight Resilient people have a capacity for learning. They are able to talk about their lives, their experiences, their thoughts and feelings. One of the goals of therapy is to provide the person with the ability to reflect on their lives and from this self-reflection, to develop insight into their current life circumstances. Rather than feeling defensive about their life circumstances, they are open to new ideas and are flexible enough to try new tactics for dealing with problems. Resilient people learn from their mistakes and do not punish themselves because they have made mistakes.
Flach, Frederic. Resilience – The Power to Bounce Back When the Going Gets Tough! New York: Hatherleigh Press, 1997, paperback 227 pgs.